Leading up to the passing of my grandmother, I gained some insight that I feel would be helpful to others as well. First lesson is learning the power of words. Words can hurt, words can heal, they can make you feel warm, they can be cold, and they can be influencing.
My grandmother passed away a little over 3 weeks ago, and words are the reason that it's taken me so long to get this blog together. In fact, words were the biggest impact of our relationship.
I learned of her decline in health 2 weeks prior to her passing. It wasn't until my boyfriend convinced me to take the 4-hour trip before we left 3 days later to go visit her. Many may ask why I hesitated to go see her, especially since most don't get the opportunity that I had.
...words...
20 years ago, she spoke such harsh "words" to me that shifted the trajectory of my life. I was 19, and in a vulnerable environment that I didn't have much control of, and yet she blamed me. I took her guilt and shame, and I centered my world around it. She placed such a guilt on me that it actually haunted me for the past 20 years. We actually stopped speaking for 6 years after that confrontation.
After the 6 years had passed, we reunited, upon meeting her great grandson for the first time. Sorrys were exchanged, but not much more than that. The relationship was broken. It never mended anywhere close to where it was. In fact, we only saw each other just a couple more times after that. When she did visit, she was always accompanied with my mom, so at least some of us were talking. My grandmother and I just never really spoke much to each other during those visits, it was mostly conversations flying around her, not directly to her. Looking back, I hate that that's how it was... She probably wanted to see me & speak to me a lot more, but I built an internal wall to protect myself from being hurt again. I was bitter and I blamed her for my self-victimization of trauma. Although, her words cut deeply, I still had the responsibility of my own life and choices. I just didn't have the capacity & acknowledgment of that for so many years.
The 3 days leading up to taking the drive, I was internally struggling. What do I say to someone who I've avoided for so long? I had already pre-arranged in my mind that I would probably never see her again and would never mend what was broken. I figured that she would pass on and that would be something that I would just have to suppress.
During the drive to see my grandmother on that beautiful Sunday, I was nervous and numbly overthinking. I couldn't even anticipate how the visit would go. Would we even have much to talk about? I've only seen her maybe 3 times in the last 14 years. What could we talk about?
Would we discuss the damage done? Would we try to mend the relationship before it was too late? Would it turn into another argument, because she often likes to get argumentive? I just didn't know what to expect.
When we finally arrived, we were greeted by a friend of hers that took the role of her caregiver.
She was friendly and warm. She had just explained to us that we were lucky to be visiting my grandmother as she was just released from the hospital late the night before. A couple of other church friends gathered in as well, and they also chimed in about how badly in health that she looked from the night prior and how perky and bright she looked for the day of our visit.
It was apparent that my grandmother had only regained her strength and pushed through for that very day and that very moment. That was how I knew, this visit was going to be different and revolutionary.
When I saw my grandmother, I first noticed the difference in weight and health compared to how I remembered seeing her last only 4 years earlier. Then, I swiftly shifted my attention to her demeanor. She was smiling so big, and no matter that she had a breathing tube hooked up, she was glowing. Her excitement to see me was an energy that I feel so strongly. I sat on the floor next to her chair, and looking for things to discuss. She asked my boyfriend questions, fishing out her approval, which I feel he succeeded. She asked about my brothers, my dad and my jobs. She asked my son about school, his job and driving. She mentioned my mother (her daughter) numerous of times. As much as she wanted to know that everyone was doing well, she was more eager to hand off her things.
Her and her friend had already prepared a bag for me. It was full of framed photos, a box of lose photos and then some valuables. Some of the photos were just as valuable to her as they were some of her last captured moments of her late son who passed at the tragically young age of 9. I recall my mother sharing such wonderful memories of him. Some photos were of my grandmother's modeling days, and so, I can see where some of my beauty comes from - ha! Some photos were of me and my son that she received from my mom, and pictures of my mom and her late husband.
Seeing her have those photos showed me that her love never went away, I just felt like it did..
Yet, the number one thing she wanted me to have was her wedding ring.. it was her most prized possession. It was such a moving moment. Barely a dry eye in the room, especially after I tried it on and embraced her with a hug. She was also very adamant about taking her grandmother's China, which I did and her father's vase that he took from a restaurant that he used to work for many moons ago. Which she gleefully watched us pack away.
The visit was very beautiful, and overwhelming at times. We often would just stare at each other and just smile. She kept telling her friends, "We're close, we're buddies", as if that were always true. I didn't even correct her, because it was in that moment that all of the good memories flooded in and we reminisced. We talked about how she wasn't just my grandmother, but we called her our "Teddy Gram Grandmom", because as kids, every visit she would religiously bring us boxes of Teddy Graham crackers, along with cheesecake and always cash for me and my siblings.
We talked about how she was a fun grandmom, because she actually tried to play basketball with us. She literally did the "grandma" throw to the hoop hahaha! It was great!
You know, we could have discussed lost time, needing closure of the past, but this was our closure - having a great last day together. I'm grateful those were our conversations, because we already wasted too much time on avoidance, ignorance and negative feelings. Our visit was nothing short of joy, nostalgia, love and gratitude. It was everything I could have wanted and more. My grandmother spoke perfect words after handing off her wedding ring, "This worked out perfect. Wasn't in my plans, but Lord's worked everything out".
Unfortunately, our visit finally reached its end. I hugged her three times in a row prior to leaving and told her that I loved her. She even chuckled her signature laugh during the third exchange in a row of "I love yous". I just wanted to make sure I didn't leave without her feeling my forgiveness and love. I wanted to stay longer, but we had a long drive back. My sweet boyfriend was adamant about making sure I returned the following weekend to visit her again, but I insisted, "She's not going to make it"... I just knew.
Leaving there that day, I was pretty lost in thought over the experience. It was bittersweet. The next few days after, I was angry. I was internally and expressively angry. For the first couple of days, I couldn't even comprehend the reasoning of my anger. I just worked through it moment by moment, allowing myself grace. I tried to write about it. I tried to work through it, but I couldn't find the words. I couldn't gain the clarity, my head was in a fog. It took sometime, but I was able to finally realize that words were so significant to our relationship.
If only, I just spoke up and told her eye to eye that I truly forgave her many years ago, then we may have had time to truly rebuild the relationship. Maybe if I picked up the phone and called her once in while, I wouldn't have felt like a thief of prized possessions that I didn't feel I necessarily earned. Maybe if I just showed her love, maybe she would have been more involved in my life and maybe that wouldn't have been a bad thing. So, much wasted time over being bitter.. for what?!
Once I received the message that she passed, the anger immediately melted away, and I was sent a rush of peace. I'm not sure if that was her coming to send me a message of her own peace. I suddenly became overwhelmed with gratitude. Glad that she was no longer in pain, because I know that she held on just enough for my visit. I was extremely grateful for the chance to redeem myself, to have the love I always wanted from her that I remember as a child and to say eye-to-eye one more time - or three, "I love you". I got to see her smiling face, to hear her signature laugh again and to lock eyes with admiration, and for that I am thankful. Many lose the opportunity to receive what I was beyond blessed to be given; that last apology, last goodbye, last "I love you", and that last hug. I got to receive all of that, so I am eternally grateful.
Here are my closing words: 𝑮𝒓𝒖𝒅𝒈𝒆 𝒊𝒔 𝒂 𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒊𝒇 𝒐𝒇 𝒕𝒊𝒎𝒆
Just as much as words can hurt, they can also heal and mend.
They have the power to withdrawal from more time lost and to regain relationships.
It can disconnect, but it can more importantly connect and re-connect.
Don't waste time on meaningless words or words that can be forgiven.
Heal those words and wounds, so you can see through the black cloud - your mental fog
that is blocking you from remembering the good memories, the people that they are and the memories you could be creating together.
Their words are powerful, but so are yours... use them wisely & don't lose more time
Jenn Everson
Transformation Coach & NLP Practitioner
Owner, Forever Soon Fulfilled
Blog #12
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